The Mission

Yes! I definitely think the Jesuits did the right thing by not leaving with the bishop. I think often we lose sight of what God wants from us, and get caught up in the matters of the world. That is what happened to the bishop, who instead of talking to God, simply focused on the Church which is made up by humans and therefore bound to make mistakes. I think he was also blinded by power, not necessarily his own, but the power of those around him. For instance, he had to deal with the great European powers of Portugal and Spain and their respective kings.
While the movie was going on it was very difficult for me to decide what I would do in that situation. Seeing father Rodrigo and Father Gabriel in the last scenes made me think that the Church needs both kinds of people. Rodrigo used his training as a missionary to help the Native Americans, he picked up arms when he needed to pick up arms. And Father Gabriel remained serene, and true to himself to the very end. Seeing him carry the exposed Sacrament while the church caught on fire, was very powerful.
I think if I were in their shoes, I will like to be like Father Gabriel. It took a lot of courage to carry the Eucharist literally until his death. But my favorite part was that when Father Gabriel falls, another man picks up the Sacrament and continues walking. I took this as a sign that God's mission keeps going, with or without us, we just do a little in God's greater plan.

Discerning Mindset: Finding God in all Things

The title was the caption of the first picture I took in Loyola during orientation. It was the one that first caught my eye, maybe because it is the last one, but perhaps because that is precisely what I sought to do here: to find God in all things.
There are other that has caught my eye along my years here. For instance, "appreciation of things both great and small" more specifically because of the small. And "linking faith with justice" because they seem so unlikely to link but yet such an obvious pairing.
However, these are not the ones that I would like to write about today. I just went outside of the library and read each of them one more time. And a new tile caught my attention this time.

"Contemplative vision formed by hope"

This phrase made me want to look words up. Contemplative means "expressing or involving prolonged thought." So it is all about forming a vision. I think this has become a new interest in my life, because I need to figure out not only the vision that God has for my life, but my own vision.
I need to form my vision, and I like that it is formed by hope of all things. This vision not only implies seeing yourself in ten years. It means the same vision which you use to see the rest of the world, and that is the fact that interests me. We need to change our vision, we need to put some thought in it, and we need to see the world like God sees us, with hope. Hope that people are good, hope that it will all be okay. The phrase will be so different if it ended with love, instead of hope.
I think this is what a Jesuit education has taught me. It has changed my vision, it has shaped me to see the world through hopeful eyes, and to put some thought into it.

A picture says a thousand words

Week 1: Because the main goal of this week is to know we are a loved sinner.
This message, said by Mahatma Gandhi, calls us to do what God is already doing with us.
We must focus on the person, not the action.

Week 2: Because this is the week of decision making and rules of discernment.
And most of the time the process of decision making is vague and unclear, like these arrows,
but we need to face it anyway.

Week 3: Because the Cross is the inevitable symbol of this week.
It was either that or a burning heart, but the sunset in the back fulfills this burning sensation.
It is the darkness from the death of the symbol, and the sun in the back of the Light of the World.

Week 4: Because the Contemplation of the Love of God is the most important part of this week.
And because there is something powerful in the simplicity of these three words of the Scriptures.

Indifference

I want to say that these questions served as an Examination of Conscience for Holy Week. Thank you for that, sometimes it's very hard for me to go within myself and find out who I am is actually pleasing God. When things are going well in my world, it's too easy to assume I'm doing good when in reality I may actually be walking further from God and getting lost in this material world without noticing.

I can admit that my main problem is social pressure. And by that I don't mean my friends peer pressuring me into smoking weed or sneaking out of my house to go to a party. Those things don't particularly appeal to me, that's not where I lack. My moral compass tells me that those actions are wrong, no rationalization needed. The hard part is deciding between two goods, or two seemingly good deeds. My personal issue comes from my family, and the people I hold dear. I am aware that I allow them more influence over my life than I should, and that interferes with my freedom.

Family are those people who love you and want the best for you. Especially your parents, but I extend this to grandparents since I come from a collective household where multiple generations live under the same roof. These people are older, and therefore we automatically assume they are wiser even though nor necessarily true, and we tend to think they know what's best for you. At least this is the way I have thought most of my life, and an issue that I'm constantly fighting with.

My mother is a very controlling woman, if you are not doing what she wants you are wrong. Every time I've thought different and chosen to do something other than what she expects from me I feel the consequences. The disappointment as a daughter, the impending doom because I will fail in whatever it is I intend to do, the guilt thrown by the rest of the family who invariably take her side. It's not healthy, and I often spend sleepless nights stressing over this. In fact, I had long nails last week, and by the first day of Easter break when I went back home I had bitten all my nails.

This happened when I decided to not to medicine, a lifelong dream for her who came from three generations of doctors. It happened again when I decided to come to Loyola for school, and leave her side, therefore granting me the freedom I needed and the same which she feared. It's  constant cycle, even if she eventually gives up and accepts my decisions. I need to learn to not stress about it, to be indifferent. To ask for her counsel, but limit her influence in my life. To grow up, even though I'm not sure if that's too much to ask. I need to find a balance. But not between other influence in my life, and my own. But rather a balance between my brain and my heart  under God's influence. That should be my first priority only, and only that has caused me peace.

The Best of Me

I think you're right. It is very hard to talk about myself, because it indeed feels like I'm bragging especially when the matter is about my "God-given gifts and talents." I'm not sure how to answer this question. I could potentially identify my faults and virtues, but dividing these characteristics into what I was born with and what I have learned by my surroundings is extremely difficult.

For the sake of this blog post, I reached out to my dad (the same one I talked about in a previous post, I'm sensing a repeating theme here). When I asked him what he thought my biggest talent was he, in all seriousness, told me to ask him instead what my faults are. He believes criticism is more important than praise, because one can better through criticism while praising only feeds vanity. However, I disagree. One can learn from both. Sometimes through seeing the good in you through other people's eyes you learn to see it for yourself. Affirming others of their goodness is necessary in order to live fully, this is what community was formed for anyway.

When I explained the assignment, and I openly stated I wasn't looking for praise but rather trying to see myself through his eyes he finally gave me an answer. He said, and I quote, "you have determination. You're brave, and can make decisions." He is referring to the fact that I've been the first one in my family to go to college away from home, in fact miles away from home. This does not fly in Hispanic families, and it has been a liberty I fought very hard for. I think these traits I was born with, my grandma has always said that I was born with little wings that no one has been able to clip.

My dad went along and also mentioned that I am "very veraz," I asked what that meant too and he defined it as the ability to simply say the truth, combined with the desire to never be lied to. So, basically a lover of truth. I think this characteristic is more of a learned one. Through the years, through the ups and downs and mistakes, you learn the harm of a lie and all the consequences that could have been avoided through honesty.

This is where our talk ended, because then my dad went on to describe my faults. Because it was too much good in one day, and I needed to be reminded that I wasn't perfect.

On the other hand, my sister said that when I asked her this question the first word that came through her mind was: discernment. And I find that fascinating, since it just so happens to be the key topic of my first blog post here.

“One rare and exceptional deed is worth far more than a thousand commonplace ones.”

I have been reflecting on this quote for a while, and I’m not sure I agree with it at all. I cannot help thinking of Mother Theresa’s words: “Not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” Rare and exceptional deeds seem to me like they come once in a blue moon, and I don’t think it’s worth spending your whole life hoping to one day accomplish something so magnificent. While some people manage to reach those heights and be exceptional, the majority of the human beings die without having their name immortalized in history. In fact, I often wonder once you die and all the people that knew you die, it’s like you never existed. You just become an unknown name in a tombstone, and our lives are so small and so meaningless compared to the rest of the universe that we spent our lives without leaving a dent in the world.

              Let’s take for example a doctor, one in a small hospital in town. His name would not be remembered, unless he is the best in his field. Unless he achieves something incredible, something only he could give to the world, something like finding the cure for cancer. Chances are that this doctor would not achieve any of these things. However, the lack of that exceptional discovery does not make him less of a doctor. His thousand commonplace actions mean the world to those he has been able to touch. The lives that he saves daily are his own exceptional deeds, because without him those people would have died.

              This takes me to my next point, a rare and exceptional deed is very relative to the circumstances. Who decides what is considered exceptional? Who decides what is commonplace? What happens when great things are done every day in the simplest actions? That’s like making the exceptional attainable for the common folk. As I was growing up my dad always told me that I had to make it a point to never be mediocre no matter what I do. It doesn’t matter if I’m winning the Nobel Peace prize, or giving food to the hungry, all my actions should be exceptional and done with great love.

The Shining Snake

The Devil is real. I say that with the same certainty that I say that God is real. In fact, this is an argument-provoking topic that I have had with my (very religious) father numerous times. How can you consider yourself a true believer, if you refuse to believe that there are evil forces seeking to lure souls into sin. How can you consider yourself a True Christian, if you choose to ignore the teachings of the Church which do not necessarily correspond to your mere opinion. The thing is I cannot conceive of the fact that one can believe in pure good, but not poor evil. It's a dualistic spectrum, just like there is hot and cold, and north and south, and day and night. 

I read one time that the Devil's most powerful tactic is to make you believe that he doesn't exist. This logic makes sense, because if you don't believe that there are evil spirits roaming around, nothing can hurt you, you're not afraid. Even though that may not be necessarily a bad thing, I don't think God wants us to be afraid. Au contraire, I think he wants us to be brave, and to have complete free will. And in order to achieve that, we must be aware of the choices given to us, both the good and the bad. It's easy to have a free-for-all life, where there are no consequences for your actions. However, the weird logic lies when a person believes in a God, but no in the Devil. This is kind of like an attempt to believe on the good, but not on the bad. There are good and bad spirits roaming around, and we have to be aware of both of them, so we are not fooled.

I have never experienced pure evil, I'm not sure I know what that is. When I first read this, I thought about making a joke and stating that pure evil was my sister. But I've grown past the times I compared her to a demon. The essence of evil, I can't even begin to imagine. I think of something ugly and dark who does bad things to others to feed off their suffering. No, I have never experienced that, I've never witnessed it. The evil that has come into my life often has a shining aura, it's beautiful and tempting and there's precisely where its danger lies.

What is Discernment?

In order to prepare for this post, I had to reflect on the phrase "great questions of life," it forced me to put in perspective what I deem important.  I could not help but to wonder unto the philosophical questions about life. For instance, whether there is life after death, and if that will actually come as the light at the end of the tunnel (now I'm wondering how this metaphor resembling being ran over by a train came to be). Most importantly, perhaps due to the stage that I'm in my life right now, I'm thinking of what I'm supposed to do in the years that have been given to me. There is a saying that I like very much that says that you're born twice, once when you're actually born and the second when you find out why. It has been very difficult journey for me even getting to this point of my life, and it was walked by little baby steps just one at a time.
When these thoughts get overwhelming and keep me up in the middle of the night due to uncertainty of what is to come, I just give up trying to read the future. I just hope that God holds my hand through it all and trust Him, because at the end that is all I can actually do. Because no matter if I am the best planner in the world, fate has a way of turning plans upside down in the best way possible.

Why am I taking this course? I do not need it, in fact the dean called me asking me to drop it because I don't need it to graduate. However, I want to take it. I've always felt God wanted me to be in this school for a reason, and I'm about to graduate and I have yet to find out why. However, I would like to find out. I need to find out. In plain truth, I'm looking for God in every aspect of my life, I feel like I need Him. Plus, I think taking a course on the man that gave my university its name is needed, just for personal knowledge. I would like to know what is it about his life that has made his name so famous throughout all these centuries. I hope to learn about the Jesuit values and exercises, and learn a little bit about my faith on the way there.