Indifference

I want to say that these questions served as an Examination of Conscience for Holy Week. Thank you for that, sometimes it's very hard for me to go within myself and find out who I am is actually pleasing God. When things are going well in my world, it's too easy to assume I'm doing good when in reality I may actually be walking further from God and getting lost in this material world without noticing.

I can admit that my main problem is social pressure. And by that I don't mean my friends peer pressuring me into smoking weed or sneaking out of my house to go to a party. Those things don't particularly appeal to me, that's not where I lack. My moral compass tells me that those actions are wrong, no rationalization needed. The hard part is deciding between two goods, or two seemingly good deeds. My personal issue comes from my family, and the people I hold dear. I am aware that I allow them more influence over my life than I should, and that interferes with my freedom.

Family are those people who love you and want the best for you. Especially your parents, but I extend this to grandparents since I come from a collective household where multiple generations live under the same roof. These people are older, and therefore we automatically assume they are wiser even though nor necessarily true, and we tend to think they know what's best for you. At least this is the way I have thought most of my life, and an issue that I'm constantly fighting with.

My mother is a very controlling woman, if you are not doing what she wants you are wrong. Every time I've thought different and chosen to do something other than what she expects from me I feel the consequences. The disappointment as a daughter, the impending doom because I will fail in whatever it is I intend to do, the guilt thrown by the rest of the family who invariably take her side. It's not healthy, and I often spend sleepless nights stressing over this. In fact, I had long nails last week, and by the first day of Easter break when I went back home I had bitten all my nails.

This happened when I decided to not to medicine, a lifelong dream for her who came from three generations of doctors. It happened again when I decided to come to Loyola for school, and leave her side, therefore granting me the freedom I needed and the same which she feared. It's  constant cycle, even if she eventually gives up and accepts my decisions. I need to learn to not stress about it, to be indifferent. To ask for her counsel, but limit her influence in my life. To grow up, even though I'm not sure if that's too much to ask. I need to find a balance. But not between other influence in my life, and my own. But rather a balance between my brain and my heart  under God's influence. That should be my first priority only, and only that has caused me peace.

The Best of Me

I think you're right. It is very hard to talk about myself, because it indeed feels like I'm bragging especially when the matter is about my "God-given gifts and talents." I'm not sure how to answer this question. I could potentially identify my faults and virtues, but dividing these characteristics into what I was born with and what I have learned by my surroundings is extremely difficult.

For the sake of this blog post, I reached out to my dad (the same one I talked about in a previous post, I'm sensing a repeating theme here). When I asked him what he thought my biggest talent was he, in all seriousness, told me to ask him instead what my faults are. He believes criticism is more important than praise, because one can better through criticism while praising only feeds vanity. However, I disagree. One can learn from both. Sometimes through seeing the good in you through other people's eyes you learn to see it for yourself. Affirming others of their goodness is necessary in order to live fully, this is what community was formed for anyway.

When I explained the assignment, and I openly stated I wasn't looking for praise but rather trying to see myself through his eyes he finally gave me an answer. He said, and I quote, "you have determination. You're brave, and can make decisions." He is referring to the fact that I've been the first one in my family to go to college away from home, in fact miles away from home. This does not fly in Hispanic families, and it has been a liberty I fought very hard for. I think these traits I was born with, my grandma has always said that I was born with little wings that no one has been able to clip.

My dad went along and also mentioned that I am "very veraz," I asked what that meant too and he defined it as the ability to simply say the truth, combined with the desire to never be lied to. So, basically a lover of truth. I think this characteristic is more of a learned one. Through the years, through the ups and downs and mistakes, you learn the harm of a lie and all the consequences that could have been avoided through honesty.

This is where our talk ended, because then my dad went on to describe my faults. Because it was too much good in one day, and I needed to be reminded that I wasn't perfect.

On the other hand, my sister said that when I asked her this question the first word that came through her mind was: discernment. And I find that fascinating, since it just so happens to be the key topic of my first blog post here.