Indifference

I want to say that these questions served as an Examination of Conscience for Holy Week. Thank you for that, sometimes it's very hard for me to go within myself and find out who I am is actually pleasing God. When things are going well in my world, it's too easy to assume I'm doing good when in reality I may actually be walking further from God and getting lost in this material world without noticing.

I can admit that my main problem is social pressure. And by that I don't mean my friends peer pressuring me into smoking weed or sneaking out of my house to go to a party. Those things don't particularly appeal to me, that's not where I lack. My moral compass tells me that those actions are wrong, no rationalization needed. The hard part is deciding between two goods, or two seemingly good deeds. My personal issue comes from my family, and the people I hold dear. I am aware that I allow them more influence over my life than I should, and that interferes with my freedom.

Family are those people who love you and want the best for you. Especially your parents, but I extend this to grandparents since I come from a collective household where multiple generations live under the same roof. These people are older, and therefore we automatically assume they are wiser even though nor necessarily true, and we tend to think they know what's best for you. At least this is the way I have thought most of my life, and an issue that I'm constantly fighting with.

My mother is a very controlling woman, if you are not doing what she wants you are wrong. Every time I've thought different and chosen to do something other than what she expects from me I feel the consequences. The disappointment as a daughter, the impending doom because I will fail in whatever it is I intend to do, the guilt thrown by the rest of the family who invariably take her side. It's not healthy, and I often spend sleepless nights stressing over this. In fact, I had long nails last week, and by the first day of Easter break when I went back home I had bitten all my nails.

This happened when I decided to not to medicine, a lifelong dream for her who came from three generations of doctors. It happened again when I decided to come to Loyola for school, and leave her side, therefore granting me the freedom I needed and the same which she feared. It's  constant cycle, even if she eventually gives up and accepts my decisions. I need to learn to not stress about it, to be indifferent. To ask for her counsel, but limit her influence in my life. To grow up, even though I'm not sure if that's too much to ask. I need to find a balance. But not between other influence in my life, and my own. But rather a balance between my brain and my heart  under God's influence. That should be my first priority only, and only that has caused me peace.